September 24, 2013
Our food is infested with all kinds of bugs. Bug bugs and fungi and viruses and bacteria and things you don’t want to remember when you’re eating food.
First off, you don’t know who or what is in that bite you’re chewing. Are they dead or alive? Do they add any significant flavor and if so, how would you know?
Secondly, can you feel them dashing around in your mouth? Trying to escape?
They are millions, maybe billions of bugs crawling on your skin, right now. On your lips, sneaking into your mouth, dashing up your nostrils.
“Bugs” make up more of our body weight than ourselves. How do we know our memories aren’t some bug’s memories who’s taken up residence in our brain?
August 26, 2013
Many plants have produced and been eaten. The bugs that were on or in them also were consumed. Deliberate or not, we eat all kinds of strange things that we don’t know we eat.
This summer’s garden has been prolific, bountiful and awesome. The next time you lick your fingers, enjoy the creatures crawling on them and how succulent they are, even if you can’t see them.
July 9, 2013
Slugs, spiders, ants, grubs and other similar critters are not only edible but can be almost delicious. So, too, are twitters and exclamation marks (and a few other punctuation marks).
Twitters are a recent delectable on the social and culinary scene, and this gives us an exciting opportunity to create new and penultimately unique cuisinables. After much tearing of hair (left out of the recipes) and indescribable conjugation with other notable and not so notable chefs and culinary dilettantes, I give you our first of many “twitter tastables” for your dining pleasure. These are simple recipes that any kneejerk reactionary opportunist can make. The only difficulty or effort involved is collecting the appropriate twitters for a particular recipe. For help with that, see “Tracking and Whacking Twitters” by Damodar D’Ascoyne Jr.
20-30 120 or more character twits that are fairly old, new twits just aren’t crunchy enough
2 tbsp butter
1 sad onion
1 can of whatever from the soup aisle
1 jar of pig knuckles
140 pieces of argot
1 bunch organic multi-colored carrots, chopped into about 4-5 character size
3 medium potatoes, whacked into submission pieces
Exude the soup and knuckles into a frying pan and reduce until all of the liquid is evaporated. Remove from pan.
Add butter (to the pan, idiot) and then potatoes and carrots.
Fry until you afraid.
Add onion and soupknuckles, stir briefly, do not stir again.
Cook on medium heat for 140 seconds or until stuff sticks seriously to the pan.
Season with Rogaine’s Organic Easter Island Sea Salt and
Top with mustard and kim chi.
May 11, 2013
“You’re so juicy.” — Spitbugs
“Wrap me in your kegels” — Nasty Snotty Big Boys Encore
“One more time” aka “Let’s make sure we’re incompatible.” — Likeable Ladies with The Most Beautiful Girl in the World
“Sunday Morning Leftovers” — Fuzzy Stuff on the Jam with Toasted Brains
“Slop” — Toasted Brains
“It’s a long ride from love to hell” — Wombats
April 17, 2013
“You are the peach and I am the pit” — Wry Bread Mayo Band
“Let’s give the neighbors a show.” — Pearl Fearless and the Humpers
“Evol Love” — Chad and the Undecideds
April 12, 2013
Git ready to burn your longjohns, honey — Whisker Pete
I put the toilet seat down, so kiss me like you mean it — Barry Buffalo and Kristi Krust
Bathtub of Love — Marianna Mascarpone
Baby when you touch me, I get all slimey — The Wilted Sisters
I didn’t mean to run you over. I hope you have insurance. — Fabulous Ernie the Wratchet Man
April 5, 2013
Sometimes a gun is just a cigar.
Wake, honey, I’m gonna roll over.
Don’t you throw a fit on me, chubbybutt (Albanian Motel Pizza Deliverers)
Free right turn at the stop sign of love (Bent Dingle Dangle)
Deadly catch, deadly love (Moribund Nightgown)
Are you hot or am I in hell? (Rubber baby buggy bitch)
Whack me once, shame on me. Whack me twice, shame on me. (FFlemm)