Not that I’m what you’d call a friendly alien. I would just as soon have sex with you then eat you. Well, not really eat, just chew on you some. Screaming is optional.

I doubt my people will ever rescue me. Thank god for Blue Bunny Vanilla Bean ice cream. No artificial ingredients, no gums or preservatives. Delicious. And I often smear it all over me on very hot days.

National Squeeze Udders Day

My Toenail Fell Out and It’s Freaking Me Out Week

Morbid Movieiers Month

Once a Year Punch Yourself in the Face Day

Animals copulate and voila! a baby. Cause and effect, or coincidence? Well, if you had a baby every time you copulated, ok. But really, that doesn’t happen. Space aliens or alternate universe doppelgangers are actually implanting alien fetuses in us. They look like us, but they are not us. We estimate approximately 81% of babies are non-human. Our planet is a birthing place for aliens.

Coincidences are simply grouped occurrences of the same phenomenon. In fact the sun does not rise every day.

Enough said. You get the idea? It’s not as crazy as it sounds. The next time you brush your teeth or wipe your butt, ponder: which action prevents tooth decay?

Reality is a very scary place. Don’t inspect it too closely. Just eat your pizza, drink your beer, and don’t walk under ladders.

Six degrees of Ebola.

Check your connections if you dare. It seems far away, It is not.

I’m not trying to create hysteria. It’s a fact of life.
Too  much monoculture (GMO organisms, clones, sowing millions of acres of one species, etc.) leads to opportunities for quick and massive disease spread.

In our modern world, you’d think we’d be able to control outbreaks. Viruses, in particular, are very tiny, very mutabile, and very mobile.

Personally, some good vodka should solve the problem if administered properly, although I suspect epic Kentucky bourgon might do as well.

Or just spending your next few years in the bathtub filled with chlorine or vinegar or your hot lover.

Or an asteroid may take us all out before any stupid bug gets us.

Oh, we’re doomed! We’re no more than gerbils in the universe. Sigh.

The Only Dream In Town by H. Richard Doigt (Undeceased)


my imagination was running away with me

come back, I shouted, but it did not listen

the rootbeer floats had gotten the better of it

In today’s day (2014 in case this survives to be read in the year 3607) common sense is no longer recognized. Pundits, idiots, curmudgeons, politicians of all ilks, poor-rich-middleclass humans and many pets babble garbled nonsense. Much of what follows will be incomprehensible to you, at first. But persevere and with enough exposure you will know.

You will know. What? Exactly. Ok, salivary glands, get ready. Empty your mouth and mind and gorge!

Gruff Ducks and Silver Sun Press in conjunction with PirPisFul Random Corporation present, in no particular order:

The Compendium of Incompetence in the original edition, purged of annoying punctuation.

The Indigenousness of Nonsense: Gooberish thinkings by Kate (Kate) Pelucid (complete with toilet paper)

Cuando Cuando Guano: Arial Thoughts by Cesare di Scemenza (cement overshoes extra)

Unbridled Incoherence — Dismaying Amphibians

Uncover the Obsidian Contex of Your Mamboo — compiled expulsions by recently deceased poets

The list goes on, but that should get you started. We will post excerpts on this blog regularly.

If you are a true explorer of reality, you will want to contact:

The Royal Order of Digression and the Society for Oblique Continuity.

They have the staff to handle the millions of request in a timely if somewhat warped manner.

You can leave a message on the blog here, or email:

Fairly Sincerely,

DrFooms (Yes, I am a real doctor)



I didn’t wake up this morning and, boy, do I feel good. I don’t really ‘feel’ it but it’s better than the alternative . Living hurts. Even when you’re really pumped up and feeling perfect, you’re not. You know it. That doesn’t mean life is a bummer or there’s no future. Although, personally, I don’t believe in ‘time’ as most people think of ‘it.’ Time is just our way of measuring change. Good or bad, fast or slow, painful or unpainful (not, painless).

But I am a fan of breakfast, and not waking up makes me even hungrier. It’s not a painful hungry, like it might be if I was awake. It’s more like check the box on the list:  X…hungry, Next.

Language is so imprecise, no matter how much we try to make it definitive. Not waking up does not necessarily mean I’m dead. So all my blathering is just a dream? Does this mean that if I’m dead, I can’t wake up?

No. And, alas, it is also not an existential state, not even a zen koan can explain it or enlighten you to it’s meaning or lack.

Have you ever watched an earthworm die, slowly, on a sidewalk, in the sun? Not just notice it, but watch it until it was dead? Could you tell the exact moment when it died?





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